my lungs cannot take it alr... coughing non stop...

i m dying... my lungs are really horrible, terrible like a vegetable! but seriously... my back is not getting any better, n my lungs r getting worse... juz let me die... damn it!

i fell aslp again... in the middle of the day.. is getting weirder...

shit! my breathing problem came up... cant breath... i have to act ok... if my family find out, i m dead. my lungs hurts...

i m soooooo sorry..... ='(((((((

WAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! ='((((((

都听说了。突然醒来的我都听说了。不心痛了。分开了，但是突然觉得这样被你关心着很幸福。突然想到以前美好时光，笑了。想到你的笑容我笑了。想到我们怎么幸福的牵着手逛街，想到我们的吻，我也笑了。不愉快的却一点都记不起来。可能已放下，可能想挽回。但是只觉得现在的自己这样被你想着，很幸福。想再看你微笑，可能没有机会了，可惜了。虽然每天盼望，但是却觉得有缘碰到却比故意约出来的有意义多。让我们都有一点耐心，给老天一个机会，听听他的话，让他决定我们的缘分会到哪里。真的想你了。=D

Jovi, is over alr. i have done and said everything i could to stop him from caring for u n talking to u. he left u alone alr... so why dun u come out now? he will nv say he love u again... so please stop locking urself in. i feel terrible u being like tt. ur friends still need u, u noe?

doin everything n so much things, juz hoping tt jovi will come back. joy n i have been tolerating so much, n tt we also now understand why both of us r created by her. her own high expectations, n the way ppl around her treat her. her family n her responsibilities. jovi please come back soon... we will solve everything tgt ok? u cannot juz lock urself up like tt.

mission complete. now he can totally hate me, n continue with his life. hope he can forget me n live a better life.

i dun have much time left. maybe ending everything like tt would be good.

i lost. i lost the gamble. so this will be the end.

the things tt i wan to tell u... is not tt i didnt say before, n is not tt u dunno. although i wan to gamble again, but wad if i lose again? where should i go den? the next place i can go will only hurt more ppl n i will only hurt myself more... i always thought i can let u see tt u dun love her... but u nv open ur eyes n see. u dun listen n trust me to open ur eyes n see! wad else can i say, wad else can i do?! i m as hopeless as u r... maybe even more hopeless den u r.

'why?' is something i always ask. but nv i get an ans. u say u dunno, u cant choose... maybe i noe why u dunno why u cant choose. maybe becos to u, being with her is a habit. n maybe u dun like changes, so u refuse to quit tt habit, tt is my guess... but if is really juz becos u refuse changes, i think u lost someone tt gave u her whole life. even if it is true, i dun even noe whether i should be happy or sad. or maybe another reason is tt she can give u something tt i cant, den i really got nth i can win u over with.

today is the day isnt it? i wonder he will really make the effort to care for me, regardless of wad happen to make me feel that the love i have for him is worth it. heartaches everyday make me difficult to breath, stress from work juz add on to the pressure on my heart. on n off fevers, headaches and chest pain.... when will all these come to a stop? maybe when my heart stop beating, everything will stop. i really wish for my heart to stop beating. if i really end up lying on the hospital bed will u be more at ease that u dun have to care again? i have never wanted to give up... my feelings for u nv change. but becos u said u wanted to go back, so i let u go. u doubt my feelings for u. i feel disappointed. maybe u nv believe my feelings for u is true. thinking abt this make my heart go cold.... i will make good use of my last fews days to see u happy. i nv wanted to quarrel or say anything bad but u juz nv see through my thoughts and feelings... my heart missing, hoping, wishing, yearning and wanting him everyday... but he will nv see all these... becos maybe by the time he sees, i wont be around anymore...

stress!

STRESS STRESS STRESS! AND STILL STRESS!

心痛得快要死了。。。 眼泪一直流。。。一直哭的我，好累。我会好起来，但是可能又要等个五六年吧。好累。。。不能在你身边疼爱你照顾你，我觉得很遗憾。但是，千万不要被牵着鼻子走。。。

i really wonder sometimes... is tt wad u really call love? u stray so easily from her even though u 2 have been tgt for years. and u call tt love? i wonder wad is ur definition of love. i still love u n i admit tt, but hopefully it will be over soon. but i dun think u will forget the things we did tgt. wad i gave u. i didnt tell her anything we did at night at ur house. if i really told her, wad will u do? i think u will say is all the lies tt i made up and ask her not to leave u. as usual of u. u only be with me becos u have a fight with her. i m juz someone to accompany u wan u r lonely. my little rabbit.... i m still here when u need someone to accompany u. but i really truely believe, u loved me. that is the only thing u did not lie tt is why i feel so terrible for letting u go.

放了。。。都放下了。。。谢谢你给的一切。really appreciate. i wont ask u to choose anymore. i choose my own path. i wont let anyone to choose my path again. this will be a promise i made to myself.

please read this post

i really need to talk to u. i really have so many things to ask and so many things to say. juz one word from u, can save many of our things. please please please... dear god i pray, please let him read this post n understand how much i nid to talk to him... please...... i beg u.... i will meet u at tai seng station at 3.30pm on the 19th... please read this post....

is this the end?

wishing for ur happiness, no matter where u r or wad u do, may it be successful n please take care of ur health. u noe u have a weak body. treat ur gf better. u noe u love her den u shouldnt make her worry. take note of ur temper n ur tone of speaking. smile more, u look nice tt way. save up ur money, dun spend so much on games n unnecessary things. really hope u could see this post. really wanted to be with u more, but... i promise u before, i will always support ur decision. this is the one n only thing i can do for u now. i love u, please be happy.

Meaning of White Roses

White roses are the ultimate symbol of purity and innocence. It gives a wonderful feeling of positive vibes, peace and tranquility. Its pristine exterior reflects the beauty and dignified meaning that it holds. Being one of the more popular roses (apart from the Queen of Roses – the Glamorous Red Rose), the White Rose, an understated and modest beauty holds great significance and is a symbol for interesting concepts.

The white rose in myths and legends
There are plenty of myths and legends behind the white rose. As one myth has it, the first rose on Earth was a white rose, and it miraculously transformed to other hues. The pure white rose was said to have been tainted by blood, making it red; and it was also made to blush from a kiss, making it pink.

Another myth came from the Ancient Greeks. It was said that roses were originally white until one day Aphrodite the Goddess of Love and Beauty pricked herself with the thorns of a rose. The blood that dripped from her finger turned the white roses red.

These myths indicate the loss of innocence, which is the absolute opposite of what the white rose symbolizes – innocence and purity.

White roses as symbol of purity & marriage
The white rose is known as the traditional wedding flower and as such, it signifies pureness of a newly formed bond between lovers.

The tradition of brides carrying a bouquet of white roses was started in 1840, at the wedding of Queen Victoria. During this momentous occasion, white roses were used abundantly throughout the ceremony. Since then, the tradition was formed and passed on through generations. 

Brides carry a bouquet of white roses during their wedding ceremony to indicate their purity, virginity and innocence.

That being said, white roses also state the reputation of women in society – that they are clean and untainted. In Ancient Rome for example, white rose bushes were planted at the graves of deceased young women to indicate their virginity and innocence.

White roses and funerals
White roses are versatile such that they can be used to celebrate happy occasions such as weddings, as stated above, or to offer condolences at a funeral. White roses are a symbol of honour, heavenliness, spiritual love and respect; which is why they are perfect to remember loved ones who have already passed on. White roses are also a symbol of a holy and spiritual union between the departed soul and God in heaven.

White roses as a religious symbol
The white rose holds a great significance to Christians. The white represents the Virgin Mary, who has often been referred to as the Mystical Rose of Heaven. The colour white in Christianity symbolizes light, innocence, purity, glory and joy – traits which embody the virtues of Virgin Mary.

The white rose is also said to have bloomed without any thorns in Paradise before the fall of Adam and Eve. Once again, this example shows that white roses signify innocence and purity.

White roses – a symbol of secrecy and loyalty
The white rose is also known as a symbol for confidentiality and fidelity as stated in the following examples:

Back in World War II, an anti-Nazi political group was set up by a group of students in Munich. Germany. This group, which upheld the ideals of political freedom, was called “The White Rose”.

The name “The White Rose” itself says a lot about the group. It symbolizes secrecy, since it could not have possibly been formed in the open during the Nazi Regime and also loyalty because the students remained true to what they stood for to their death. Most of the members of this group were killed off upon being discovered. Thus, the white rose can also signify purity of youth.

Still on a political example, the white rose holds a great significance during the War of the Roses which took place in England . It was said that the white rose signifies death to those who betray their word. This ties the meaning of the white rose to loyalty and trust as well.

Another example of the white rose being a symbol for secrecy would be the fact that during the medieval era, talking beneath a white rose was understood to indicate the confidential content and nature of the conversation.

Also, in the 16 th century, the Pope declared that a rose be carved in confession booths to symbolize confidentiality, secrecy and privacy.

Significance of white rose buds
White rosebuds, though they are essentially white roses that have yet to blossom, carry a different meaning to full-bloomed white roses.

White rosebuds are in fact a traditional symbol of girlhood and innocence. They represent young girls who have yet to reach adolescence. These rosebuds are an underlying symbol of one being too young for love or to be loved.

Such is the interesting significance and symbolism of white roses. Interesting isn't it, how something simple yet demurely beautiful like the white rose has such a rich and fascinating background?

sitting at a bus stop doin nth but juz watching cars and buses passing by... make me realise we all live in a veri busy world tt, we dun stop n take a look around us and we didnt see alot of things tt needed to be noticed.

trembling in fear

from the moment u said those words, i have been trembling... even during the dinner, every second i feel like crying, but i did my best to hold wadever tears tt was goin to fall... i can see tt mabel find me weird. but i have no choice but to avoid eye contact with anyone. i tried calling u ytd. u did not pick up. i try persuading u to let me have more of ur time. u didnt reply me with any ans even i repeated the qns. is it becos u dun love me anymore, or u love me too much? i dunno anymore. even until now, when i m typing this, my hands r still shaking... the fear of losing u. losing my precious treasure. we also promise tt we will only separate when u find someone u wan to spend ur life with... but now u didnt give me any reasons, juz becos we r not working tgt, we cant see each other everyday, u wan to give up. i dun understand at all.... please explain to me... i m really scared... my heart aches...

not giving up!

i m not giving anyone to anyone! u r mine! i m yours... dun juz throw me away when u havent even try... we r fated to meet n fall in love, but maintaining and staying together is not destiny, is an opportunity, a choice, a decision, an effort. why did u even say those kind of things... when i alr decided on u?! why...? why..........

i love u so much... too much... i cant leave u alone... my dear, is not tt i dun care or cant be bothered... but in order not to let u feel troubled, i hide my jealousy, so i act generous to let u go to her house n visit miko. in order not to let u see how flustered i m and how fast my heart beat when i see u, i have to act strong n avoid u. how i wish for every moment i can hold u close to me, let u feel my heart beat n dun bother abt other ppl's view. everyday i try to find a chance to get close to u but i dun have the courage to... so hoping tt u could feel wad i was feeling and pull me into ur arms and hold me close to u... so much i wan to noe abt u... but i dun wan to force u to tell me everything... i wan u to feel comfortable talking to me... i feel like i m being so greedy wanting so much things from u... if u r reading this post, i hope u can understand my love for u is endless... i promise myself since young, i will sacrifice anything i can to get the things or the person i wan, even if is giving up my life. i love you.

i think i m lonely

another day goin to end n we didnt talk much. u r tired n i dun wan to bother u much. the smile i receive from u this morning, make my day! tried veri hard to not get close to u, becos ur smell is making me dizzy. maybe i m too lonely... tt's why i m like tt...

wishing and hoping

hoping that you could tell me everything. anything that is troubling you or anything that make you happy i hope that you could share everything with me. also wishing that you could stay happy and may all happiness be with you. i gave everything i could and everything i have wishing for your happiness everyday every night. giving everything i could so that i wont regret of not loving you enough or letting you down. i did my best.

allergy acts up... cough n flu came tgt. my throat is dying my ear cannot really make it... i think i really have to save up for the fucking operation... i wonder how much will the check ups, specialist n the operation cost... haiz...

christmas is coming~! wad should i get?! wad should i get?! wad should i wish for?! hmm... maybe something memorable for mabel, and something useful for eric and linna they all... i wonder wad my darling wan for christmas. eliza one oso have to start thinking liao sia... tt troublesome kid. camera for her birthday, super junior for christmas? hmm.. i wanted to go chalet with my darling... dunno will he be happy or not if i invite him... lots of things happen in the company, so juz to relax... hmm...

getting  job is oso another problem...

haiz... things happen in relationship sometimes... maybe i shouldn't be like tt... how should I say this... maybe just some time he can be more... hmm.. he can dun respect me so much...

nvm lah! 顺其自然吧！

你一定是听到了我所祈祷的一切所以你才这样安排。谢谢你让我认识了一个会心疼我的人，也让我多了解我的家人。我真的希望以前发生过的事情不会再次重演。我不想在失去一个这样的人。一个就够了，他已经不会回来，我也不会在去想。但他会一直在我心里，我也知道他一定会很支持我，一定会叫我不要放弃这个爱。请你继续指引我做对的选择。我也希望你能保佑我爱着的这个傻瓜，开开心心，健健康康的。还有我跟我家人的关系我会进我全力再得回她们的信任。我知道没有一件事是完美的，但是我不会认输！要得到平衡是需要时间跟努力的！我会耐心等待，用心付出。=)

felt so much better after letting everything out... i dun have to lie anymore... this the first time i have ever being so honest with someone. although is not confirm tt he will choose me... but is enough... as long as i can find who love n treasure me, n i was ever this honest with my feelings... but i dun think i can do this with anybody else... now is juz wait... isnt it?

the pain in the chest again... something i cannot do abt... i wonder when i cam get use to it. everytime i see him i feel like holding his hands... is a bad habit... have to stop... if not i my chest will be forever hurting... haiz...

i really hope that he dun worry so much abt me n trust me more and  let me be an adult or a woman tt he can rely on... i dun wan to always be call his xiao mei mei like he is juz taking care of me like taking care of his sis... and again, out of duty...   haiz... i wonder when he will open up to me... this insecurity will nv end if he goes on like this. but if he is happy like this, i dun mind my chest hurting like that. i cant cry anymore. no matter wad happen, i have keep everything to myself... no more complains abt anything. family friends and relationship no more. theresa said tt there will always be a time where ppl have to leave something, someone, someplace someday. i dun expect internity becos i noe he wasnt sure abt this either. but i will forever cherish wadever he gave me, and wadever i have given to him. i hope he will nv noe i feel this way becos i juz wan him to be happy.

my beautiful life... i guess...

my beautiful life... i guess... i was juz hoping tt all this wasnt juz a dream... becos however i look at this it juz doesnt seems rite. he dun really look happy being with me... but all i wanted was to make him happy. he didnt mention anything abt his gf.. neither did he say anything abt wadever is troubling him right now. we didnt say anything and it came to this. i m awfully troubled becos i can't read every single expression he made. he is pretty emotional... haiz... really hope tt i can help him in one way or another. but i somehow think tt he wasnt happy abt me not wanting to let anybody noe abt us. i got a feeling tt we r tgt not becos he like me, but rather is tt he is only doin it out of duty. this have been making me feeling veri uncomfortable and insecure. wad should i do to make him happy? n everyday he is worried abt me being scolded by my mother....

without you...

life is miserable... tired through and through... due to all the stress comimg from all sorts of sources... result in me indulging in reading online mangas... drowning in sex and lust everyday every second... it became a necessity... i will have withdrawals without it and 'it'... save me if somebody could... please....

woohoo!!!! long time no see everyone!!!! busy lately with me work the application for my baking courses... sorry for not updating...anyway, juz to say... i got accepted into the course!!!! super happy!!!! but now i start worrying abt being not able to pass becos i m not a veri clever person plus if i cannot pass i will have to pay a whole lot of sum of money u noe!!!! plus before it even start i have to pay a whole lot sum for my uniform attire and the sch fees and the culinary lit or something like tt.... haiz... but i will still be working part time in my current job.. so as u can see i will be veri veri busy from july onwards.... i m really afraid that i wont be able to cope... so everybody hope u all could juz help me out!!!!! thank you veri much!!!!

fuck those assholes

early in the morning eh? YES, EARLY IN THE MORNING. juz before i m goin to work. juz wanted to post something and tell everybody something. maybe some ppl in my life or some immortals trying to destroy everything i have and ruin my life... juz wan to tell these assholes tt i m not goin to juz give way to wadever u do. GO AHEAD with wadever u had planned, but i will be destroy every single plan tt u have against me, u get it? so dun be nice on me, if not i find it no fun! but if u seriously have plan to get me up and go, u better be prepared... I WILL MAKE IT THE WORST DAY OF UR LIFE.

Sincerely,
Jovi

romance?

friday off day was great! went out with my mother and sister to bring my kitten for vaccination... orbin hates goin to the vet... and after the vaccination he is always tired... now he is slping on my lap while i m typing this... so is a little difficult for me to type this post... if u did see my facebook... u would realise i keep on saying tt i m veri tired and in reality i m really tired.... becos of my job... same old story... sometimes i juz feel emo all of a sudden and i dun wan to continue this anymore... but for the sake of money i cannot stop this job... i got a cat to feed and a baking course to go to... wad other choices do i have? haiz... i juz wish tt somebody can help me... and juz now i was reading some manga... and i realise tt having someone to support u and spoilt u and always be by ur side is something veri nice and sweet...

tiring days ahead...

WOOTS! another day tiring day for me... gone out with Sarah today for dinner... and den we juz keep on playing professor layton (sarah's long time no see game) haha! is fun playing this game together becos playing alone will have headache... anyway back to topic for today.... i m tired of my job lately... somehow is becos after i became a full timer at the pet shop, i became veri stressed up and became veri veri tired and i cannot even slp properly every night... and this cause me to wake up late or waking up but feeling restless and tired and this result in my forgetfulness which cause my work stress to go up and the vicious cycle continues if u noe wad i mean.. but seriously i still feel tt doin all this is not worth it... as in why the fuck should i work so hard when working part time is much easier than full time and the pay wasnt tt much of the difference?! haiz... i dunno wad to say... i check out the price of the course i wanted to take and i am eligible for the subsidies... but still i have to earn some money b4 i go... so maybe i will work 1 or 2 months more b4 i change back to part timer...

tired... really tired... i dunno why adults have to think so much for themselves and children can juz make their way through without even a need to think?

yes... i cried again...

these few days keep on having the same dream...
is nightmare to me...

in tt dream i see him walking pass me... like a stranger...
in the dream i cried so hard and ask him not to go...
bu he didnt hear and walk towards another person...
hand in hand they walk into the church...

my chest feel pain....
suffocating...

好问不问，偏偏问我我好不好！
你要我怎么回答你？！
我真的快疯掉了啦！！！

他说他要结婚了。。。
我听说的时候，我本以为我可以就祝福也为他开心。。。
我本以为我已经放下了，不再去爱，不再去管。。。
但是为什么。。。我知道他要结婚了，我却一点也开心不起来。。。
而且一点也不想祝福他们。。。
心里酸酸的。。。只感觉到了一股厌恶感。。。
恨透了某个人。

是讨厌他要结婚的这件事，还是恨透要结婚的他们？
不。是自己。是恨透了自己八年来根本都没有放下对他的感情。
恨透了自己没有那个宽阔的心去祝福。
恨透了自己的软弱，恨透了自己那时没有好好的去争取，恨透了自己没有那个勇气放弃然后往前走，恨透了自己利用了这段感情让自己不再受伤害。
最恨的就是。。。自己既然骗自己说再也不管，再也不爱，找这个接口不再去碰这段感情，不去好好的处理这段感情。。。

现在我真的不知道要怎么办的好。。。
我不知道我还能不能放得下。。。
即使放不下，等到他真的结了婚，我还是得放开。。。
我现在真的要怎么办？
我的感情要往哪里放，该收在哪里？

he is getting married and i m goin crazy!!!!!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

stupid!

='(

long long long long long long long time nv blog liao....

cos now i m bored and lonely so i m here to kill some time but i dun think i will kill much time...

anyway... back to my main topic...
working life is some what acceptable to me now...
but i still feel lonely and empty some how....
haiz...
where have all the man gone to man...
i like them being gay... but at least leave some nice ones for me oso mah...

haiz... speaking rubbish now....
seriously dunno wad to do...
anyway if u do realise (good for u) i have added HMY 15th flash pic to celebrate minami sensei, higashino sensei and yamato sensei being an artist for 15years!!!! YEAH~!!!!
i wanted to congratulate them and thank them for providing all the drawings and stories i love for all my life and in their stories i also learnt a lot of things tt i can use in real life! (i dun mean the sex scenes! >.<)
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! お祝い！！！
LOVE YOU ALL SOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!

hello everyone!
i havent been blogging becos i m busy with work and i dun have much energy and things to write anyway... haha!

but now i have somethings i wanted to write out here...
anyway, this is my blog so i m suppose to write however i feel and express myself...
so actually there is someone i like...
but is juz tt i cant tell that someone... in case that person wouldnt wan to be friend with me anymore...

if anyone can understand this feeling of mine... i will tell u everything... i have been keeping this to myself for quite some time alr... until today my colleague was talking abt her friend liking her...

haiz... but i can nv say this kind of thing... cos i noe things will nv happen between us...

心里现在很不好受。。。
但是哭不出来。。。

kite sunday~!

today i went to fly kite with my sister!!!
but seriously, our kite doesnt fly...
but luckily there some nice kite experts around there to help us with out kite.... becos our kite got stuck in a tree...

but anyway...

i got nth else to say... =P

tt's all for today~!

气到爆！！！！

刚刚遇到了很不愉快的事情。。。
我很喜欢玩的DS游戏不能开。。。
现在非常地不开心！ 我总觉得自己很倒霉。每次喜欢玩的游戏不是坏掉就是不能开。。。 早上完的时候还好好的，现在却。。。 啊！！！！！ 讨厌死了！！！！
我的身体已经很不舒服了，它还这样对我！！！！

说到身体状况我也很生气。。。
我的感冒才刚刚有好转，但是我的肠胃却在这个时候跟我闹脾气！
肚子现在非常地不舒服。。。
但是没有比我的游戏不能开还严重！
有谁可以救救我呀？！

生病了~

最近都没有再写blog因为我生病了。。。

得了重感冒。。。 现在还在恢复当中，不。。。应该是说在生病当中，因为我的病情好像没有什么好转。 但是我也知道我的身体的其他地方也出了些问题。 只希望会快点好起来， 这样一来我就不会胡思乱想，心里总是忐忑不安的了。。。 我看就先说到这里，改日等身体好一点了，再聊聊其他事吧！

小猫咪的梦~

昨天我又做了一个梦。 这次我梦到的是6只小猫，非常的可爱！ 我梦见它们趴在我家门口，一直喵喵叫，我就开门，让后它们全部就跑进我家，把家里弄得乱七八糟！ 过后我就下楼买了一些猫食回来给它们吃。。让后我就从梦中醒过来了。。 着梦很可爱因为有小猫咪，可是非常的无聊。。。 现在真想养一只猫。。。

刚才跟Eliza聊了一会儿，希望她的身体能快点好起来，这样就可以陪我出去了！=)

KUNG FU PANDA 2!!!!!!

today i went to watch KUNG FU PANDA 2!!!!!

it was super naise!!!!! and super random!!!! i juz love it!!!!!!

WOOTS!!!!!!

is all i have to say for now~!


i love her~! she is soooooo sweet!!!!

寂寞的兔子

今天不知道怎么了，突然觉得自己好像兔子。。。 因为没有人陪在身边的我，感到格外的寂寞，真的好像快要死掉了。。。 容易寂寞的我，那么长的一段时间没有和朋友出去，我真感到很寂寞。。。就像一只孤零零的兔子被关在一个小笼子里，也没有人来陪它玩。。。 兔子是一只很需要陪伴的动物。 一旦失去了陪伴，它会慢慢地感到寂寞而死去。。。

Sweet Dreams~!

做了个梦。。。 很甜蜜的梦。。。 但是这个梦越甜蜜我就觉得越可怕。。。 因为我知道这个梦是不可能会实现的。。。 美丽的房子，可爱的小动物，和自己心爱的人，过着非常美满的人生。。。 这可是我一直都很想拥有的生活。。。 在梦里，那一个我多么深爱着的人的脸孔，是那么的模糊，但是他是多么的温柔体贴。。。 看见那让我安心的灿烂的笑容，但却看不见那笑容的主人，令我觉得我的一切就好像会在这一瞬间消失。。。 好可怕。 可是说到最后，这也只不过是一场梦而已。。。

今天是姐最后一天上班。。。 也就是说我要开始好好的找一份工作了。。。 但是，不懂为什么的，心里总觉得有点哪里不对。 我想应该是我还没有做好要去做工的准备吧。。。 现在觉得好烦，因为对家里有点愧欠，但却没办法克服心里的那一份对工作的恐惧。。。 我知道自己不是一个独立的人，一直都很想为自己做些什么，却还是没法鼓起勇气踏出一步。。 现在这样没有用的我，还可以再有什么谎言来骗自己说这一切都只是时间还没到，而不是自己的不中用所造成的呢？ 我已经再也没有借口了。。。 那我现在要怎么办呢？

终于毕业了。。。 但是我没有感到特别的高兴，也不能说我完全没感觉。。。 总觉得心里很不安，就这样而已。。。 工作找上门，却被我拒绝了。。 “很不可思议吧？” 我是这么想的。。。 因为我期盼很久的工作，我却当场就拒绝了。。。 但是，心理不会觉得遗憾，不会后悔。。可却又有那么一点点的对不起家人。。 我做这样的决定，不知道Anselmor会说些什么。。。 如果他还在的话，他一定会说：“do the things u wan, be urself. ” 我每次有什么心事都会跟他说，然后他就会说很多很有道理但我又不是很听得懂的话。。他呀。。 每次都能逗我笑的他。。。 已经不在身边。。。 真的，有时想到他就这样丢下我不管， 真的有点讨人厌。。。 但是我知道，他没有离开过，他会一直在天上看着我，陪着我的。。

真的是太离谱了！ 如果你忙，你嫌麻烦，你就不应该约我们出来。。 要不然，你就挑一个你不忙，不嫌麻烦，也不赶时间的日子在约我们出来。。 但是，你却要我们早点到！这样会不会太过分了？ 算了，多年朋友我就不跟你当面说了，免得以后会很难相处。。 虽然早已经知道你本来就不是一个不会觉得内疚或愧疚的自私朋友。。 我真的觉得那时候为什么会为了你这种人，放弃Sarah这么一个好姐妹。。 我希望我不是真的看错人，看错了朋友。。

i m so bored tt i m tired...

and i start to think i m getting more and more useless...

i dun get it. i seriously dun get it why whenever i wan to make a simple decision i will think of how others feel first instead of thinking of myself...

i dun get it. really. i m tired also thinking for others, but this is a behaviour tt i cannot change. this is making me frustrated!

but sometimes i try to think for myself and i juz think too much for myself and hurt others. ARGH!!!!!!!!! i seriously hate myself...

haiz... i dun even noe this is a good thing or a bad thing anymore!

should i go out without them tmr? or should i juz go supermarket with my sis and stay home with her the whole day and she do her things and i do my things?

if i leave her alone at home she will be upset, but if i stay home with her, i got nth to do. and i wanted to go out with my friends...

='(

I love this picture. To me is a veri beautiful scene. Is like they r really in love, and they r enjoying every second with each other. Eliza, wad do u think? Yaoi! If u dun like boy X boy, dun click here.

from classmates to friends to buddies to lovers to friends to strangers... but u will nv noe... ... tt i do love u...

Nakamura Shungiku sensei, Haruka Minami sensei, Yamato Nase sensei...
please be ok...
and the whole japan, and the whole world....
i will keep praying...

Dear Whoever is up there and can help,

Please stop this terrible tragedy, and taking away more and more lives!
1300 is alr alot... adding up to the China earthquake... tt is enough lives!
We did many many wrong things to mother earth, but we did try to change, and we r changing...
and changing needs time... give us more time...
tt is more than enough lives u have taken away....

and this is not juz lives u r taking away, is dreams tt u r taking away...
dreams, childhood, and love ones that u r taking away...

I pray, I beg, I hope, I wish....
stop this tragedy...

看到他的照片。。
他还是一样的帅，一样的迷人笑容。。。
他还是跟他的女朋友很恩爱甜蜜。。。
看了都让人羡慕。。。
心里却觉得不是滋味。。。
但是，又已经麻目了，没有感觉了。。。


他身边的人，永远都不会是我。。。
他的女朋友最好对他好一点。。。
要不然，她真的是没有眼光。。。
他应该不记得我了吧。。。

好想再跟他说话。。。

我想了好多东西。。。
最近也哭了很多。。
好累啊！

最近总觉得我好像不是我自己。。。
好像变成了另外一个人。。。
Dion 跟我说我以前不是这样的。。

我想了很久。。
那我以前是怎样的呢？
到现在还是想不起来。。
也没有力气想了。。。

我这样的变化让我自己感到很不舒服。。。
但是，我又可以怎么样呢？

wad can i do?

that person wont like me anymore...

i m becoming veri different...

different from wad that person is expecting...

i think that person is alr starting to dislike me...

but wad can i do?

wad can i do.....

today eliza was veri angry with jasmine leong...
and i m a bit scared...
this is only the second time i see her like tt...
totally freak out!

but den i hope she is not angry with me....

Secret of the day

ok... today i will tell u a secret...

dun tell anybody ok?

this morning, i dreamt of erik.

i noe u all will be freaking out by now... but the more freaky one is coming...

description of this dream is a veri romantic one...

ok... the rest u can imagine it urself, i m not goin into details... cos if i goin to spell everything out, u will puke.

tt is my secret of the day.

-.-

this is all i have to say...

am i crazy?

i dunno is facing the computer too much, slping late or the stress that is causing my headache...

recently, my vision can juz suddenly blurred and i feel really giddy...
den my head will start to hurt...

i have realised i have change a lot during this holiday...
i dun think positive anymore...
i dun care abt anything anymore...

i feel like i m on drug...
sometimes i can keep crying and crying for no reasons...
after awhile i start laughing so hard tt my stomach hurts....
without any reasons... or anything i find it funny or sad...

there is something wrong with me...
i wanted to see a psychiatrist...
but i dun think i have the money...

Don't Mess With Me!

Today finally got the mood to do fyp report..
I almost finish writing the introduction...
Although is only 1 page long, but it took me quite some time to think of what to write.
I didn't really follow the guidelines ruiling gave me, but i think it looks ok...

I finally got the mood to write because today Joy told me something that wake me up...
Reality and virtual world is different...
In virtual world when u made the wrong choice or when u took a wrong step u can always restart and do it all over again and again...
But in reality, this restart button doesn't exist...
If i chose the wrong thing to do, i can nv restart my life and i have to continue with whatever i m doin...

In this few weeks of holidays, i have been throwing myself away...
dun wanna care abt anything in the world, i didnt do any sch work, housework or wadever...
sometimes i dun even care to bath or eat... i juz stick to the virtual world or juz plainly lying down on the bed doin nth... trying to forget everything i have done this pass 2 1/2 years... trying to forget how i felt for everything tt is around me... feeling tt studying is pointless in many many ways...

but when she says that "our lives is his game..."
i realise that things that i m goin through...
the work i have to do, the decisions i have to make, the sacrifices i have given, the events tt i have suffered through...
is all part of his plan...
his is having fun, playing with my life...
he give me opporunities and then he take it away b4 i could even grab it...
he always made things go his way...
this time i wont lose this game...
i will make things go my way...
he wan to play... i play will play with Him!

not myself..

there's something choking me.
my chest feels uncomfortable.
is it my heart or my lungs?
or is it the stress?
or is juz a feeling of not being loved?

i'm losing myself...
ppl who see this post, pls be honest with me...
if u start thinking, or u start to realise i'm not behaving like the jovi u know...
tell me. u have to make me realise tt i'm being taken over by someone else...
because sometimes, the person u r looking at, may not be me.

i know she is inside me somewhere..

i cant take it anymore...

sooner or later...

New adopted hamster

HEY PEOPLE~!

COME AND WELCOME MY NEWLY ADOPTED HAMSTER:

DING DING!

=)

FEEL FREE TO FEED HIM THE STRAWBERRY~!
HE LOVES STRAWVERRIES~!

Guys i LOVE~!

all this guys here r my type...

can u figure out wad do they have in common?

they all have golden hair~!

Georgina's and Eliza's birthday celebration~!

On our way to kallang leisure park....

after skating... is beautiful isnt it~?

i mean me not the christmas tree...

LOL! Juz kidding! i really meant the tree.... XP

BORED ME + SCISSORS = CUTTING NOTES

as u can see these r from paper cuttings...

i did this when i was studying my mst for food processing...

and guess wad?! the paper i use for cutting is the notes i juz copied for studying!

this is wad happens when u put a bored me with a pair of scissors.

BORED ME + SCISSORS = CUTTING NOTES

My Yuuri Darling~! (Adult)

Isn't my Yuuri darling handsome~!

He is SSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE~!

recently i havent been using the com becos my hand hurts from the ice skating...
i fell down too many times alr... so i got bruises everywhere...
but ice skating is still veri veri fun...
during ice skating tt day we met zhao xuan nisa's gang and they also go skating to celebrate zhao xuan's birthday... LOL!

ok... i got nth much to say liao...

BYE BYE~!

Cookies~~!

MAN!!! I'M FUCKING EATING FATS!!!!! BUT I ENJOY IT~~~~!!!!! ~.~

WOOTS!!!!!!!

My Yuuri Darling~!

he look sweet doesnt he~~~~?

awwww~~~~~~~

告诉你 瞒着你 只不过是个决定
放弃你 忘记你 只怕我无法前进
不知道为什么会如此莫名紧张你
我越了解你 越靠近你 越犹豫
明知道我爱你 却不敢告诉你
我害怕失去你 宁愿沉默不语
该如何整理 幸福在手里
我恨自己 无能为力
明知道我爱你 却不敢靠近你
我假装不在意 反而痛了自己
多痛都可以 不能没有你
只想永远永远爱你
你知不知道我也没关系

勾引白羊座男人的方法出处

冲动好胜的白羊男人，是超级感官的雄性动物。迷人的曲线、魅惑的神采，所有女性化的象征都是勾引他的最佳良方，如果你够大胆，擦上艳丽的口红，足登高跟鞋，莲步走来，飘散着迷人的香气，胸口还若隐若现可见小山沟，包准他马上生理征服心理，以行动向你靠近。
本文来源：http://www.8s8s.com/xingzuo/xingzuoxiu9046.htm

所以简单的来说，他们是色狼。。。

LEO's SECRET?!?!?!?!

请别相信狮子座的阳光


或许，狮子座身上最吸引天蝎的是“阳光”的气息，仿佛任何的“阴暗”都能在她“阳光”的照射下驱散。可是，你知道吗？其实，她与巨蟹一样容易多愁善感。她看见感人的情节会滴下眼泪，看到忧伤的词句会爱不释手，遇到烦恼的事会自哀自怜......狮子座的她很容易被自己的情绪左右，从而经常觉得孤独，换个角度看，你会发觉那就是传闻中最阴暗的阳光。

请别相信狮子座的坚强

狮子座给人的印象是最坚强的星座，但你是否有想过那只不过是她“故作”的坚强。狮子座的她从不会在爱人面前大声哭泣，但会躲在被窝里独自垂泪到天明。狮子座的她在和爱人分手后，不会象巨蟹那样，要生要死，她只会嬉笑怒骂，变得更加“开朗”，她的表现总是让人怀疑她投入在这段感情的深浅，以及她的付出；只有那些知道背后真相的人才能看见她背后的眼泪、努力与付出。

如果你"有幸"看到狮子座的泪水的话,那么你要知道:她不是在博取你的同情！而是内心高傲的她不得已，控制不了自己的情绪。

请别相信狮子座的自信

说到自信，我想没有太多的人会怀疑狮子座不是一个自信心爆棚的星座。但是，我在这里告诉你：实际上很多狮子座的她，自卑感很强烈——对人与人的关系非常敏感，常常觉得矮人一截或是觉得别人不尊重她、瞧不起她。于是，那些人自然就不能与之产生亲密的关系，也就不能进入她的圈子；究其原因就是狮子座的她自卑感强烈！

有时，狮子座的自卑感，会让她感觉到自己配不上任何人，对于越是喜欢的对象，越是会自惭形秽，裹足不前。究其原因就是因为狮子自尊心高昂，从而无法在亲密关系中放下自我而寻求突破，其实也是她一种缺乏自信的现象。

请别相信狮子座不会放下自尊

天蝎座骄傲，狮子座高傲，自尊心对于她们来说，可以说如生命般重要。话说回来，难道高傲的狮子不会“轻易”放下自尊吗？！David接触过许多狮蝎恋的案例，许多时候，狮子会为了爱，而放下自尊——我的理解是：她为了自己的自尊而放下了自尊。只有当她对那段刻骨铭心的爱“遗忘”了，才会重拾尊严，做回自己。

真的希望狮子座能做到放下“架子”，而不是放下“自尊”。

本文来源：http://www.8s8s.com/xingzuo/5/xingzuo13092.htm

THIS IS VERI VERI VERI TRUE!!!!

LEO LOVES ARIES~!

狮子座最配的星座

第一名 射手座 对于他的热情话题，妳会招架不住

第二名 牡羊座 对于妳的热情，他会加倍奉还

第三名 水瓶座 觉得和他在一起充满新鲜感


本文来源：http://www.8s8s.com/xingzuo/shizizuo/30057.html

牡羊座 彼此皆是热情如火，但双亲的反对总是绊脚石 91%


射手座 跟他在一起天天都是快乐的 98%


水瓶座 能感到彼此的魅力，很有可能深入交往 85%


本文来源：http://www.8s8s.com/xingzuo/shizizuo/30057.html

HAHAHAHA!!!!! ARIES GUYS WATCH OUT!!!! I WILL BE AIMING FOR U!!! HAHAHAHA!!!

i dun wan to study.... =(

狮子座 VS 金牛座
　　
　　配对评分：50　需要努力维持的一对

　　星座比重：42:58

　　狮子座的你与金牛座的星座位置呈九十度，天生便不协调。金牛座极想占有你的个性，会使喜欢自由行动的你深感无法消受。此外，你是有话憋不住、必须说出来不可的人。而个性悠哉的金牛座却喜欢沉默无语，静静地陪在他喜欢的人身边。金牛会把爱情太理智化，以致于变的像友情，这会在狮子心中积累毒素。陪伴太多，狮子觉得束缚太过、平淡无味，相处太少金牛又感到孤单寂寞难耐，矛盾的心境让你俩不知所措

本文来源：http://www.8s8s.com/xingzuo/xingzuoxiu696.htm

金牛座
　　对他来说,你似乎是太过活耀的女性,来自其他异性赞美的眼光,很容易使他愠怒不安。
本文来源：http://www.8s8s.com/xingzuo/xingzuoxiu77.htm

★天真可爱狮子座★
　　和她们在一起，不由你不产生怜香惜玉的感觉，总把她们当成小妹妹，认为她们什么都不懂，和狮子座女人你尽可放开了去做，她们也有泼辣疯狂的一面。尽管有时她会对你的身体或是举动表现地大惊小怪，但是做爱她们也会很投入，会动尽情地享受高潮，她们做爱时一般不象别的女人那样呻吟，而是会发出清脆的笑声，这在女人中是不多见的。狮子座女人由于自己的活泼开朗，可能会和巨蟹座与双鱼座男人比较难以相处
本文来源：http://www.8s8s.com/xingzuo/xingzuoxiu8441.htm

狮子座 VS 射手座
　　
　　配对评分：100　天生的一对

　　星座比重：48:52

　　两个同属火象星座，很容易产生共鸣共振的感觉，尤其是碰到射手时，将会使你们的热度一下子升到最高点，是一见钟情式、健康开朗的组合。射手只要和狮子在一起，欢乐永远存在。你们两个在一起的话，更像两个玩疯的小孩，不仅会利用周遭的事物来玩的痛快，你们的互动关系也像是一出无比夸张的戏剧。


本文来源：http://www.8s8s.com/xingzuo/xingzuoxiu696.htm

i m not studying...
i m still here blogging...

today u dun seems happy to see me....

cant u juz look at me once?!

='(

blogging half way through my report writing... haha...
bored... nobody talk to me...
year 3 sure is difficult...

i hope i can get along with him for "her" sake..
i noe she is suffering inside me...
she will disappear anytime but i wont let her...
so i m doin this for her...
i dun really like him, but for "her" i will bear with it...

ok...
here i m, cos i couldnt continue my report...
no, i should say becos i couldnt start my report...
i dunno wad to write abt egg noodles expt.
but i dun really care, i m veri tired becos of all the menses and stuff.
and the fyp report, i m quite stress by it.
also all the assignments and datasheets coming up and dueing soon, and also the mst is getting nearer and nearer or should i say is juz next week?
i m now totally worn out and i cannot really think anymore...
i m now juz typing wadever that is appearing in my mind...
i m not exactly opening my eyes to type this entry... i m juz basing on my memory and the touch to type this blog entry...
haiz...
i m really freaky tired, and eliza is still on facebook...
sometime really when i see her work, i really feel like jumping off a building becos she was juz too pro abt all this things....
shit!
i m not thinking proper;y anymore.
i cant take it anymore, i think i will juz go and slp...
good nite world!

blogging early in the morning for me...
i think is crazy...
but i m doin it....

i feel lamed...

i dun wan to go to sch...
becos goin to sch there will juz be more and more datasheets and report coming in...
man! this is ridiculous!
i hate sch life!
at lieast working can earn money, but sch life doesnt earn but instead u have to pay money to let urself suffer!
arh!!!!!!!!!!!!
shit my life! >=(

haiz....

i dunno wad to say...

pissed off....

juz pissed off...

=(

i feel guilty today...

becos i didnt do anything today...

and i still can feel so relax....

there is so much things to do, and i m doin nth...

i m really sorry....

sorry everyone....

today...
i was staring at that person....
but i dun think that person noe...
hehe ^^

i feel so lonely...
everyday is juz right infront of me but i cannot have it....

i think i still like this person veri much...
but i cant say anything...
if i did really say something...
everything will be gone...

but give me sometime...
i will be over it....
maybe give me a few years...

haiz...

i suddenly feel veri tired....

dun feel like doin anything...

i dun even wan to breath...

is too tiring...