六月十四日... 你的生日...

還有九天就是你的生日了...
不知道你過得好不好... 看起來很幸福呢！
那八年來，天天想著你的我，不知道跑去哪兒了... 現在的我只是希望你能幸福！
我不會忘記你... 要不然就覺得那八年的青春浪費了呢！哈哈！(^0^)
早點祝你生日快樂！ 要幸福哦！
(∩_∩)

どしよ

i dunno why... but juz feel like i had a bad day today... haiz... i dun feel well... not physically but mentally... my heart got a big and heavy stone on it... feel useless... but i m still so picky abt jobs... wad can i do?

irritably cute?! (how do i even come up with this?)

talked to kc today. all my depress feeling for the day disappear. he is juz so irritably cute. if he see this post he will feel so gross out. haha! dun worry! i will throw u somewhere where u dun wan to go! (u noe where... heh heh heh... ) but i enjoyed talking to him. i dunno why but everything he says makes sense. so i decide not to take up the pet cafe job  and i will start finding jobs that i dun have to work weekends or that i have to work 5.5 days and is admin. i really hope to work in a office rather den in shops (i meant retailing and sales). OK! i have go start finding jobs for 30mins a day. i will listen to wadever kc says. he's  always my best irritably cute advisor and bro!

希望不要迷路…

i m now really nervous abt the interview... haiz... wad am i gonna do? hope everything goes well... first thing first... hope i can reach the place without any problem... 像我这样的路痴，能到那么远的地方是奇迹!

猫万歳！

haha! i told my sister tt i goin to interview for pet cafe den she tell me if i go there work i will like dogs more den cats. but actually tt is impossible. becos other den megane(眼鏡) fetish i oso have neko(猫) ears and neko tail fetish. so obsess with inu(犬) is impossible.  i will only be obsessed with cats! hahahahahahaha!

interview tmr...

interview tmr. i hope i can get this job. after i get this job... after i earn 1 to 2 months salary i will invite kc out for lunch! yes! that will be the plan!

job arh job... where r u? どこ？

applied... sent 3 resume today... if no reply tmr i will juz have to keep sending more to different places... haiz... jobs~ jobs~ where r u? haiz....

extremely happy?

hmm... i wonder how does extremely happy feels like? i have never experience anything that makes me feels extremely happy. i dun think laughing my lungs out becos of something funny is call extremely happy.

i wan to FEEL extremely happy. in the manga the uke says his heart is so full that it hurts and it makes him wan to cry, and the seme said that this is call extremely happy. i wan to feel something like tt... i wonder if someone emotionless like me can feel this kind of thing?

烦啊！烦啊！

啊啊啊啊啊啊！！！！！
我快烦死了！！！！！！！
我快把我自己给气疯了！！！！！

要注意了。。。

刚才胸口又开始疼痛，很难呼吸。好像被什么东西压着。
我左边的乳房也一样又开始痛了。
是胖了吗？还是我又心理作用给自己压力？
我看我真的要注意一下我的饮食了。。。
唉。。。。。

what should i do?

what should i do now? haiz...

Bro! 救命啊！

KC 我真的好想你哦。。。
好想跟你说说话聊聊天。。。 可是又觉得很没有脸见你！
Bro 我该怎么开口？
没有工作的我根本没有脸和你说话。。。
（TT。TT）

很香。。。

现在我在地铁车厢里。我真的已经忍不住很想说。。。做我身旁的男生身上的香水味真的很香！ 是一种花香。。。真想就坐在这里闻这香味~

this is wad's goin on in my head these few months.. (scolding myself)

what m i to u? dun u even care at all? without a job how r u goin to support me? u noe i like to spend money. u noe i like retail therapy. u noe u r being a burden to the family. u noe ur family is workong so hard to survive, but u juz sit around at home and waste their money. do u think this is wad u should do? u said u wanted a bigger house, u said u wanted more cats and pets. u said u wanted to go japan, u said u wanted to open a cat cafe with ur sister, u said u wanted to buy a house tgt with sarah. u said u wan to give orbin a better life. so wad r u doin now? wake up and get a life!

i miss my brother!

kc arh kc... kok choon arh kok choon... i suddenly miss u veri much.... but... without  a job i dun dare to contact u... i scared later u disappointed since u support me so much... but now i need a listening ear man... haiz... brother! i will contact u when i got a job! pls be my motivation for now.!

sudden stress

suddenly feel stress out due to the sudden thought of getting a job. i dunno wad i can say in this situation becos if u all read the previous posts, i have been ranting abt getting a job for a long time now and i m still like that. feeling useless is not the only thing i felt but also being a burden to the family is the main source of stress that is somehow making me feel like maybe i should quickly get a job i dun like but can earn money or maybe i should juz leave home and go somewhere and never come back so tt at least this household have one less human to feed. there i go again ranting and ranting abt all sort of stupid ideas tt came to my mind but doesnt solve anything. i will think abt it again tmr... good night. (headache...)

The most beautiful manga that I ever experienced

This may not be the best yaoi manga I ever read, but I can say it is the most beautiful one I ever read. This is the first time I experienced something so beautiful. Yes, you did not read it wrongly and I did not type it wrongly, I said "experienced". I don't think (or remember) reading any book from this author, however the drawings and art of this author is so amazingly beautiful that it makes me feels like I have been there to see and feel everything. When I was reading, there are many scenery parts where it makes me feel the actual atmosphere in it. Like feeling the breeze in spring and the beautiful flower petals floating in the breeze, and I can even smell the faint flower scent in the air. That feeling is amazing, is beautiful! I don't know how to fully describe how I feel when I was reading, but I definitely recommend everyone (those who can accept yaoi) to read this book. If possible, try to support this author by buying the book (because my country doesn't sell, so I don't have a choice. But if I could buy I would).

The author's name is Takarai Rihito. And the manga I read are Hana no Mizo Shiru and Hana no Migoro ni.
(The latter one is the sequel.)



Picture Source: http://www.mangatank.com/manga/hana-no-mizo-shiru

Somebody help please!!!

haiz... my cat, Orbin, havent been feeling well these 2 days... he have been sleeping more than usual and he that active like usual... i cant say is because of his age because he is only 1 year and 7months old... so i dun think he should be sleeping so much... however he have been eating and drinking ok and he also goes to his potty everyday as usual so i dun really noe wad is wrong. i wanted to bring him to the vet to have a check, but i dun wan to make him stress out... everytime he knows he is going to the vet he will be so stress out and u can see how unwilling he is to get into the carrier.... and i check out on some websites saying that it maybe a sign of him getting anemia. now i m damn worried thinking whether i should book an appointment for him to have a check... now he sleeping out at the corridor... what am i gonna do???!?!?! they say to check his gums to see whether is pale or not... but becos his gums have black prints (he is a black cat) so i cant really tell... and i cant check whether he is having a fever or not... i dun have a themometer!!!!

oh! and one thing i realise is tt the weather recently is quite hot and humid. even though it may have a rainstorm sometimes but it is still veri stuffy and humid. i wonder if is the humidity or the heat that is making him like tt... please someone help!!!!!

please anybody help me with this! i would be grateful if anyone can leave some comments about any knowledge about cats.

I'm addicted to LINE I Love Coffee

hello everyone! this is the new game i m addicted to right now. every moment i have been on my phone juz to play this fantastic game. the characters are cute and adorable and the graphics is good. a game tt u will nv get bored by juz waiting to earn money, but rather u have quite a number of things to do! rather den juz press a button to make coffee, u actually have to go through the process urself! (although is only during level up and when special guest requested but is still fun better den juz waiting around doin nothing.)  also u get to wake sleeping customers up and rearranging the chair after they left and also u get to talk to ppl on the street so to make them ur regulars!!!

but there is one thing tt i m not satisfy about. is the price of the items. no matter is the clothes or the decorations, having to pay most of them in cash is a bit ridiculous! i cant keep leveling up my coffee to get cash or have to win cash from the special guest! i really hope i can purchase it with gold or at least let us change gold to cash. is really too expensive!!!!!!!

but overall is a good game, a game that u should not miss! download it now!

flip phone!!!!!!

damn it! i wanted a flip phone so bad...................
i wanted one that look like the japanese phone.... the brand docomo is not bad...
argggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wanted a flip phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

头又痛了......

头又开始痛，身体又开始不舒服了。
我想明天还是早点出去透透气好了。
真的是闷在家里太久了。
明天我真的要努力了。是我这个月的最后一次机会了。
我要加油！我可以做到的！不，我一定要做到！

不行了... 我的头又再痛了。
要去睡了，晚安！
おやすみなさい！

Help Out! Don't Buy, Adopt!

People! Please help these poor little ones!
Help out! Don't Buy, Adopt!

stupid phone lag like shit!

my phone's keyboard is terrible i m telling u! damn it i m pissed!

还是很不安。。。

虽然说要把事情忘掉一切随缘。。。

但是到现在我的心还是感觉到非常的不安，因为疑问实在太多了。。。

我现在应该怎么办好呢？

什么办法都想不到，我看还是算了。。。

就看看我的命运会带我到哪里吧！

感觉不对

今天有一位先生打了电话来。 是我以前做工认识的一位客户的哥哥/弟弟打来的。他说他的妹妹/姐姐有提到我。不管他找我什么事情都好，有一点我不明白的是，为什么她会提到我呢？我们好像是在去年的十月还是十一月认识的。而且如果要的话，也是她先联络我啊。真的很奇怪。我现在是不知道要不要跟她联络问问看。但是又觉得怪怪的。我想...... 我想还是等她先联络我吧。一切随缘。现在心里真的很不自在。。。

我是双性恋

我承认。我是双性恋。我也喜欢同性。我没有错。我没有伤害到谁。我只是爱我想爱的人。想要有权利爱和保护我爱的人。错了吗？社会为什么要这样歧视我们？

改掉睡觉的坏习惯！！！

不行了！不行了！不行了！不行！不行！不行！！！！
我不可以再这样下去了！！！！

每天都睡到了下午才起床！这样下去真的不行！
我一定要想想办法来改掉我这个坏习惯！
你们一定是在想：“找份工作不就什么都解决了吗？”
但是我不想这样！我有我自己的理由啦！（其实也不是没有说过）
虽然有了工作这个坏习惯就可以很容易很轻松的解决。。。
但是我现在就是没有那个能力来使用这个方法。。。（真的很对不起）

所以，我决定了！
为了让我自己能很有目标的在早晨起床，我决定我每天早上九点到九点半之间要在这里写一篇章。写什么都好，但是就是要在这段时间内写出来。

如果我能连续一个星期这样做，我就。。。我就。。。 我就。。。
我就放胆的去找工作！（这不是你应该做的吗）
总之，就先这样！行动明天开始！
加油！加油！加油！！！！

腐女不是什么怪女孩！！！

健康中招了！

好累啊！
把这音乐放上来花了我一点时间！但是我非常的满意！嘻嘻！^^
最近的我的身体还是不是很好。。。头还是会偶尔疼，但是没有像上次那么严重。

其实，我也有一直在想我为什么这近几个月来我的健康都有问题。。。
结论是：

1. 闷在家里太久
2. 因为没找到工作而压力大
3. 还有因为没有自信去找工作的压力和烦恼
4. 钱不够用？

应该就是这些了。。。但是我好像还没有哪个勇气来解决这些问题。。。 TT.TT

啊~ 现在外面下着大大的雨。。。大雷闪电的。。。彬彬也跑到床底下去了。

刚刚才把猫草收进来。。。全部都湿透了！！！

虽然不喜欢雨天，但是像这样凉凉的还挺不错的！

哈哈！我好像忘了我本来要说什么了。。。（真是不好意思） （^///^"'）

唉~ 你看看~ 现在连记忆力都变差了。。。我也真是的~

OK啦！我也要去睡觉觉了~

大家晚安！おやすみなさい！

Photo Source: Facebook

cannot tahan!

i mention about my headache juz now. actually i wanted to avoid panadol.... but den it was too painful for me to bear so i have to take 2 tablets. now my head doesnt hurt anymore.
however, my stomach and chest starting to act up. my stomach problem start since this afternoon juz before i took the panadol, and the sharp pain in the chest i think is last week. but the pain is not consistent... every few days once and it only last for around 5mins.
this i m still not worried. i m more worried abt the pain in my left breast. later goin to ask my mother to help me check whether got anything weird in there... *eeek!*

头好疼.....

昨晚开始头就一直在痛。而且是激烈疼痛，好像是有什么东西挤压着我的头脑。痛都是在前额头还有头顶。但是现在好像慢慢的蔓延到旁边和后面了。昨晚根本没有办法睡，而现在也很难集中精神。即使是现在这一秒，我也很努力的在集中着，忍着痛。现在躺着也不是，坐着也不是，睡着也不行，醒着也痛苦。妈呀！救命啊！

ごめんなさい

可能是我错了…… 我不是很确定…… 有我这样的女儿，让你很失望吧…

ほんとうにすみません。。。

Hadaka Shitsuji (part 2)

真的是越玩越火大！ 我已经没有办法玩下去了！ 我看我需要冷静一阵子才可以再继续玩...... 要不然我的电脑会被我砸坏！我要冷静！ 落ち着け！おちつけ！

New Horlick 3 in 1 fibre up

When i saw the advertisment on tv, it made me feel like drinking horlick again!!! so i bought it! the packaging is classy and nice. actually at first i didnt wan to try this i juz wanted drink the normal original one... but becos the original one is too big bottle and its not packed in sachets so i didnt choose tt becos i dun drink often. instead i saw this beside it i thought i might as well try. it look nice and the price is ok.

so today i tasted! first thought! it really is less sugar! is less sweeter den the original and the fibre i can taste it too. it doesnt really make my craving disappear... but overall, i think is still perfect!

try it! i think is nice to try new products. i m not a fan of coffee... if not i would alr bought the ah huat white coffee...

Hadaka Shitsuji

this is the first time i play bl game until so 火起!  although i like all the sex scenes... is perfect actually... but the storyline me cannot enjoy anything at all... instead it made me angrier i feel like killing tt character! and this is also the first time u hated a seme so much. and to let u noe i never say good things abt ukes nor do i takw their side... but this time is too much! damn it! maybe i think only ppl that like the true sm genre den can play this game... argh!

粗话连篇！ Seriously, go fuck yourself!

今天又是一个他妈的阴天！ 雨一直下个不停！ 只是好在我出门的时候他只是他妈的下小雨！我很不甘愿的出门...... 有一点点不爽的应酬...... 终于回到家的时候，感觉能休息了，能放轻松了...... 有另一个他奶奶的回来惹老娘！ 对她好， 他爷爷的竟然不领情！  你以为你有能力，你聪明，你比我会赚钱就可以这么的无理取闹，不讲道理吗！？ 他奶奶的！ 什么事情都怪在我都上！我很好欺负啊！ 我只是稍微对你妈说了一点我的不爽还有说了你这种无理取闹的行为真的是受不了你就这样不尊重我！ 亏我还这么尊敬你...... 你不尊重我是吗？不把我当人看是吗？ 你就不要后悔！ 以后有什么是你就不要叫我帮你！ 你自己自保吧！ 本来还真不知道你的脾气像谁...... 现在我可能有一点头绪了...... 原来你跟那个王八蛋差不多嘛！ 八婆！

闷闷........................

这种闷闷的天气真的把人变得懒惰......
我真的实在不想出门！！！
看看我这双脚...... 根本没有想要穿上鞋子的意思！ hmph!

又是乌云！ *bish!*

Good morning everybody!
我刚刚起床...... 被彬彬叫醒的。

今天起床的天气似乎不太好。 乌云密布的，真令人讨厌！ 但是，刚刚起床就看见彬彬从他的玩具篮里挑出玩具自己玩到那么开心，心情也比较好一点了。

今天好像是要出门，不太清楚，也不太记得...... 我看还是问问好了。也不知道要去哪里，我的记忆里也真是的。

看看待会儿有什么有趣的事情我在上来吧！
拜拜！

我为什么会死？

今天下午又下雨了…… 真的很讨厌！
一天不下又不会死！还一直打雷，吓坏了我的彬彬。

唉…… 最近不知道是天气的关系，还是因为每天都一整天呆在家里…… 我的皮肤开始变得不好了。 长了很多的豆豆，真是烦人！

该怎么办好呢？皮肤不好真的很不想出去见人。当然还有一点，就是因为整天呆在家里的关系，没有东西做的时候，或者再看动画的时候嘴巴痒，一直拿零食来吃…… 结果就胖了一圈！肚子都鼓起来了，多了一成厚厚的游泳圈！！！ 我看啊…… 真的不快一点找份工来打发时间的话，我就真的要变成猪啦！ 这下我真得更不想出门见人了！

所以结论是：

1. 不做工，就没有办法打发时间。
2. 不打发时间，就没有办法减肥。
3. 不减肥，就会不健康。
4. 不健康，就不会有好的皮肤。
5. 没有好皮肤，就不能出门。
6. 不能出门，就不能和朋友玩和享受人生。
7. 不能和朋友玩，我就会闷。
8. 闷的话，我就会越吃越多。
9. 我越吃越多，就会胖。
10. 我胖，就会有心脏病。
11. 有心脏病，就会死。

所以到最后，就是要找一份工作好好做…… 要不然我会死。

Sadist?

I came across one more nice phrase... if you know who said it, then u too are a fan like me.

"Even if I am flung into the depths of despair... If there is even a spider's thread I can use to climb out, I will seize the spider's thread and pull down whoever is holding the other end into the Hell I am experiencing."

I don't think I am a sadist, but i find these words awfully beautiful...
I don't know why I like it, but I hope I can do something like that... Not running away from the suffering, but drag whoever wanted to help me down with me. Make others suffer with me... I think that kind of feeling, and thrill would be amazing! But I don't think I have the ability to do so. If I can, I will definitely drag everyone who make me suffer down with me!



Photo credit to: http://www.crunchyroll.com/forumtopic-594940/code-geass-and-kuroshitsuji-are-somewhat-alike

Oh! And one more thing! I fell in love with Finny all over again~! ^^

Birdy~!

今天天气到目前为止还不错！ 希望待会儿不会下雨……

今天上午，我让彬彬出去走走。 过后我就把厨房的窗户打开。

可能是天气好吧！就有两只Sunbird飞了进来！它们长得很漂亮，但是因为飞得太快所以没有机会拍到照片。我找了一些图片，它们就是张这样的漂亮。

Photo credit to: http://singaporeshots.wordpress.com/2009/03/01/sunbird-photos/

很美吧？

它们在屋子里飞来飞去，看起来好像是一对的。

看到了我的心情都变好了！

“美”

今天又下雨了。每天都在下雨。真是令人讨厌的天气啊！
算了，就别管了。
我只是想说，昨天发现了一句我觉得很有意思的话。

“美极了。。。美得。。。令人想摧毁啊！”

我喜欢这句话后面的部分。。。 “美得。。。令人想摧毁”
我在想。。。这个人说出这句话的时候，心情是如何的呢？
是妒嫉，愤怒，不甘心，还是真的只是很单纯的变态？

对我来说，感觉上就是妒嫉和不甘心。
但是又好像带有一点点的悲伤。。。
到现在我还没有看到，遇到，或感觉到能用这句话来形容的美。
真希望有一天能让我碰上能用这句话来形容的“美”。。。

要這樣對我嗎？

三更半夜的… 我等了兩個小時多… 我等你等到四點多都不敢睡… 你… 你… 你竟然… 你竟然是日文！ 我又看不懂日文！ 這樣的BL遊戲我要怎麼玩？！ 我真的快瘋掉了！ 帥哥就在眼前！ 但是我不能看也不能玩！ 你要我怎麼辦啊！！！！ （（TToTT））

简简单单就好…

我觉得kc说的的也没有错… 人嘛… 过得简简单单就好…够养活自己，够养家就好了… 而且我觉得能做自己喜欢的工作是福，如果不能的话就当做简简单单的过日子吧…

I still dunno wad to do!

haiz.... right now i still dunno whether i should i shouldnt apply... is true tt it doesnt hurt even if u dun get the job... but i still... haiz... maybe when i wake up in the morning, i will have a better idea... juz go to slp jovi chong...

Confused

Found a few jobs on the net... I dunno whether to apply or not to apply... But I dun have a choice do I? haiz...

New job?

I don't think I have a choice. I think I just have to go back to where I belong. I will try out... but if it really is an ok... then I'm not going to reject anymore. I will just do whatever I can. This is really the minimum I can do for the house...

New Look!!!! ^^

Damn!!! i so got the mood to get on with my blog again!!!! Look at how beautiful it is now!!! guys!! girls!!!! tag in the tagboard!!! comment the posts!!!! vote the polls!!!! i hope you ppl have fun!!!!!!

i would sincerely wish and hope he could start talking to me again... is not i didnt try talking to him but he juz wont reply and he wont talk to me... i m alr at my limits... rules of love says guilt is selfish... instead of keep thinking of how u had hurt others and how others had hurt u... u either forget about it or u do something about it... however, even if i already choose to do something about it like talking to him like a friend like before and sincerely wanting to offer help to him if he needed and that i can help... he didnt want to reply then i do not have a choice... haiz... maybe i only left with the choice that is to forget? i think that will take me a few years.... haiz....

i was reading a romance novel and suddenly this thought came to me... wad if my family noe wad i have done? staying over at boyfriend place, wad do they think i will be doin and wad i did? although is long ago... and i dun wan to remember it anymore although to me is not something big... but if they knew... wad will happen? the first thought i have is them killing me... haiz... nvm.. i dun wan to think about it anymore... everything doesnt make sense...

ah.... my heart dun feel that good... i think is becos i m stressing too much about work... i should cool down a little... haiz.. chest pain~~~ chest pain... cant breath well again... maybe i should really go for a check up to check my lungs... but den sua... so expensive... later come out nth 就算了.... later come got something.... jialat! even worse! need to spend money to cure.... alr no job no money still sick den i should really go 撞墙alr... recently having slight headache... den feel dizzy cannot concentrate... is it i too late slp everynight? but den cant be leh... when i work i oso about the same time slp de leh... maybe old le bah... but recently 真的睡得不好。。。 keep on having nightmare ... if not 就是睡得很 uncomfortable...
there we go... my headache came again... i think i should go bath and slp now... tmr still have to do a lot of things... i think i better write down wad i need to buy tmr... if not i forget again... haiz... memory getting worse and worse... ppl like me who always like to go out to hang out with friends can actually forget that i got a date! last sunday actually goin out with mabel they all to gardens by the bay to see see look look... but den i totally forget about this until mabel reminded me to meet her at commonwealth on sat night! if not i totally forgot about goin out! i m totally surprise by how forgetful i have been getting that is scaring me... rmb the time when i can rmb everybody's birthday without even having to put any reminders in my phone and at tt time i dun even have facebook or any social network... but these few years... i cant even rmb even that person told me many times! and many many things i cannot rmb... like the things i said b4 and the things i do b4... let's not say a week or a few weeks ago... i m talking about a few hours ago!!! i think something is wrong with me... today juz have a little chat with mabel... and i told her about not feeling right about something and she said recently i have been feeling wrong about almost everything... but i do feel something like tt... i realised that i dun feel right about everything i that i give serious thoughts about... haiz... am i thinking too much or maybe i m juz not interested in anything tt is why i m feeling not right about everything... haiz... tired le... really should bathe and slp... orbin is having fun right now though... haha! ok good night! night night! ta ta! oyasumi! 晚安! hopefully today i dream of nth and slp in peace or i dream of midorima and kise and enjoy my lala land~!

自由

現在此刻得的我心裡只想著一件事。
我現在只想到一個沒有人認識我的地方，永遠都不會碰到認識的人的地方。
我想在那种地方自由的生活。
安安樂樂的，大大方方的做我自己！
現在的我，每天要演戲說謊，真的很累。
謊話永遠說不完，戲永遠演不盡！
我快喘不過氣來了！我簡直已經要瘋了！
真的。。。誰能救救我？
救命啊！！！！

女人？女人味？什么是女人？什么是女人味？这些我不懂。。。但是你们都这样说那就应该是一件好事吧？但是，那也只是外表而已。。。老子从小到现在骨子里还是一个堂堂正正的男子汉！做女人没有什么好的。。。如果可以做男人你以为我不想吗？我真的不知道女人有什么好的。。。男人怎么都那么喜欢？大把男人你不选，你选一个女人？莫名其妙！女人就最多给你生孩子呗！男人没办法给你生孩子就去领养咯！现在的男人真的不知道在想什么。。。男人不要去选女人。。。悲哀啊。。。悲哀。。。

今天又沒有什麼胃口吃。。。
就只是覺得很累而已。。。

背部又開始疼痛了 （哭
我現在要怎麼辦？
難道就真的這樣？ （抓頭
心好疼啊…

again... awake alone in a dark quiet room.. thinking of many many things... my heart just cant seems to calm down... i wonder why and wad happen? eyes closing... veri tired.. wanting to slp... but i juz cant slp... my heart is beating too fast... why? haiz...

panadol everyday is terrible... haiz... my head... argh...

i wonder why... feel like crying... haiz... too stress maybe...

damn it damn it damn it! arghhhhhhh!!!!!!!

as usual... my new year is nv happy... is always me getting angry... is it juz me or is juz tt during new year they juz gang gang hao do things tt get on my nerves? damn it.

another boring new year. every year is the same... bad mood on new year eve... haiz... sian... wad happen to this world and me?

spring cleaning~!

is damn hell of a lot of work!!! damn it! is like forever nv ending de lor... at least i clear up my accessories which is the most kong bu part. when i clean up den i realise the OMG amount of earrings i have. and i realise none of my necklace is bought by myself... they r all presents! all my friends noe me veri well eh? hmm... i clean up my side of the room but not my sister's side so there r still so many things to do. BUT! i alr clean up the most important part of the house! the living room! YEAH!!! now veri tired... maybe I will juz go pack a little more den go have a nap or something...

haiz... missing you again... heartache doesn't go away... but why? why cant i remember anything?

hoping to find someone that can tolerate me... i may be nice, patient, and generous... but in a relationship, i m selfish, short tempered and willful. if someone can tolerate and accept this side of me, i respect tt person and willing to follow this person. but after 2 relationships, i dun think anyone can accept this side of me... normally they will just say, 'u changed'.

i dun change... is juz that i m taking my mask off and showing u the real me... but why ppl juz cant understand? becos of the non acceptance tt i have to keep wearing this mask until i meet someone whom i think can accept me for who i m...

missing u again...
and the heartache came again... =')

first time shopping for my own clothes!!!

today went to somerset with sarah... eat damn lots of things until i wan to puke! but i bought new clothes!!!! 2 tanks and 2 shirts!!!! hope i get the chance to wear them~! went to h&m to shop and i met the lovely couple... hwee kiat and eunice~! as lovely as ever since poly tt 2~! haha! glad to see them... but still a bit awkward... haha! but had a great day today becos i get to buy clothes tt i wanted so much and i get to drink my favourite hot chocolate as charlie brown's cafe~! hehe! ^^

ah tan wanted to introduce her cousin to me becos her cousin juz broke up with his gf... i said sure why not? but deep in my heart i m thinking... maybe not yet... so i said... "er... not interested..." haha! but valentines is coming soon~~~ my another favourite occasions... wishing everybody out there, couples enjoy each other's company... and for them everyday should be like valentine! dun be afraid to show ur love!!! cherish each other!!!! and for the singles out there!!!! PREPARE UR CHOCOLATES!!!! IS TIME TO CONFESS!!!! dun worry abt being rejected!!! as least u tried!!!! but also dun forget the manners chocolate tt u have to prepare for ur friends who have always been there for u all along!!!! hmmm.... i think is also time for me to prepare the chocolates for that few regulars... wad should i make this time.... hmmm......

having slight headache... have been drinking these few nights... getting lonely arent i? hah.

='(  frustrated with me isnt it? why do u even bother to take care of me? i m worthless anyway.... spending so much money n effort on me.... end up i m juz a useless daughter... if someone  can juz destroy me this world will be of a much better place...

38.5........

38.1... n getting higher... omg!

down with slight fever~ 37.8°c
couldnt slp till 5am...
headache, sore throat n back pain...
can feel tt my skin n eye balls are burning, but i still feel so cold... *gross*
lucky orbin is at home accompanying me...
me taking care of myself again...
as usual... woots~!
*brrrrrr.....* cold!

my lungs cannot take it alr... coughing non stop...

i m dying... my lungs are really horrible, terrible like a vegetable! but seriously... my back is not getting any better, n my lungs r getting worse... juz let me die... damn it!

i fell aslp again... in the middle of the day.. is getting weirder...

shit! my breathing problem came up... cant breath... i have to act ok... if my family find out, i m dead. my lungs hurts...

i m soooooo sorry..... ='(((((((

WAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! ='((((((

都听说了。突然醒来的我都听说了。不心痛了。分开了，但是突然觉得这样被你关心着很幸福。突然想到以前美好时光，笑了。想到你的笑容我笑了。想到我们怎么幸福的牵着手逛街，想到我们的吻，我也笑了。不愉快的却一点都记不起来。可能已放下，可能想挽回。但是只觉得现在的自己这样被你想着，很幸福。想再看你微笑，可能没有机会了，可惜了。虽然每天盼望，但是却觉得有缘碰到却比故意约出来的有意义多。让我们都有一点耐心，给老天一个机会，听听他的话，让他决定我们的缘分会到哪里。真的想你了。=D

Jovi, is over alr. i have done and said everything i could to stop him from caring for u n talking to u. he left u alone alr... so why dun u come out now? he will nv say he love u again... so please stop locking urself in. i feel terrible u being like tt. ur friends still need u, u noe?

doin everything n so much things, juz hoping tt jovi will come back. joy n i have been tolerating so much, n tt we also now understand why both of us r created by her. her own high expectations, n the way ppl around her treat her. her family n her responsibilities. jovi please come back soon... we will solve everything tgt ok? u cannot juz lock urself up like tt.

mission complete. now he can totally hate me, n continue with his life. hope he can forget me n live a better life.

i dun have much time left. maybe ending everything like tt would be good.

i lost. i lost the gamble. so this will be the end.

the things tt i wan to tell u... is not tt i didnt say before, n is not tt u dunno. although i wan to gamble again, but wad if i lose again? where should i go den? the next place i can go will only hurt more ppl n i will only hurt myself more... i always thought i can let u see tt u dun love her... but u nv open ur eyes n see. u dun listen n trust me to open ur eyes n see! wad else can i say, wad else can i do?! i m as hopeless as u r... maybe even more hopeless den u r.

'why?' is something i always ask. but nv i get an ans. u say u dunno, u cant choose... maybe i noe why u dunno why u cant choose. maybe becos to u, being with her is a habit. n maybe u dun like changes, so u refuse to quit tt habit, tt is my guess... but if is really juz becos u refuse changes, i think u lost someone tt gave u her whole life. even if it is true, i dun even noe whether i should be happy or sad. or maybe another reason is tt she can give u something tt i cant, den i really got nth i can win u over with.

today is the day isnt it? i wonder he will really make the effort to care for me, regardless of wad happen to make me feel that the love i have for him is worth it. heartaches everyday make me difficult to breath, stress from work juz add on to the pressure on my heart. on n off fevers, headaches and chest pain.... when will all these come to a stop? maybe when my heart stop beating, everything will stop. i really wish for my heart to stop beating. if i really end up lying on the hospital bed will u be more at ease that u dun have to care again? i have never wanted to give up... my feelings for u nv change. but becos u said u wanted to go back, so i let u go. u doubt my feelings for u. i feel disappointed. maybe u nv believe my feelings for u is true. thinking abt this make my heart go cold.... i will make good use of my last fews days to see u happy. i nv wanted to quarrel or say anything bad but u juz nv see through my thoughts and feelings... my heart missing, hoping, wishing, yearning and wanting him everyday... but he will nv see all these... becos maybe by the time he sees, i wont be around anymore...

stress!

STRESS STRESS STRESS! AND STILL STRESS!

心痛得快要死了。。。 眼泪一直流。。。一直哭的我，好累。我会好起来，但是可能又要等个五六年吧。好累。。。不能在你身边疼爱你照顾你，我觉得很遗憾。但是，千万不要被牵着鼻子走。。。

i really wonder sometimes... is tt wad u really call love? u stray so easily from her even though u 2 have been tgt for years. and u call tt love? i wonder wad is ur definition of love. i still love u n i admit tt, but hopefully it will be over soon. but i dun think u will forget the things we did tgt. wad i gave u. i didnt tell her anything we did at night at ur house. if i really told her, wad will u do? i think u will say is all the lies tt i made up and ask her not to leave u. as usual of u. u only be with me becos u have a fight with her. i m juz someone to accompany u wan u r lonely. my little rabbit.... i m still here when u need someone to accompany u. but i really truely believe, u loved me. that is the only thing u did not lie tt is why i feel so terrible for letting u go.

放了。。。都放下了。。。谢谢你给的一切。really appreciate. i wont ask u to choose anymore. i choose my own path. i wont let anyone to choose my path again. this will be a promise i made to myself.

please read this post

i really need to talk to u. i really have so many things to ask and so many things to say. juz one word from u, can save many of our things. please please please... dear god i pray, please let him read this post n understand how much i nid to talk to him... please...... i beg u.... i will meet u at tai seng station at 3.30pm on the 19th... please read this post....

is this the end?

wishing for ur happiness, no matter where u r or wad u do, may it be successful n please take care of ur health. u noe u have a weak body. treat ur gf better. u noe u love her den u shouldnt make her worry. take note of ur temper n ur tone of speaking. smile more, u look nice tt way. save up ur money, dun spend so much on games n unnecessary things. really hope u could see this post. really wanted to be with u more, but... i promise u before, i will always support ur decision. this is the one n only thing i can do for u now. i love u, please be happy.

Meaning of White Roses

White roses are the ultimate symbol of purity and innocence. It gives a wonderful feeling of positive vibes, peace and tranquility. Its pristine exterior reflects the beauty and dignified meaning that it holds. Being one of the more popular roses (apart from the Queen of Roses – the Glamorous Red Rose), the White Rose, an understated and modest beauty holds great significance and is a symbol for interesting concepts.

The white rose in myths and legends
There are plenty of myths and legends behind the white rose. As one myth has it, the first rose on Earth was a white rose, and it miraculously transformed to other hues. The pure white rose was said to have been tainted by blood, making it red; and it was also made to blush from a kiss, making it pink.

Another myth came from the Ancient Greeks. It was said that roses were originally white until one day Aphrodite the Goddess of Love and Beauty pricked herself with the thorns of a rose. The blood that dripped from her finger turned the white roses red.

These myths indicate the loss of innocence, which is the absolute opposite of what the white rose symbolizes – innocence and purity.

White roses as symbol of purity & marriage
The white rose is known as the traditional wedding flower and as such, it signifies pureness of a newly formed bond between lovers.

The tradition of brides carrying a bouquet of white roses was started in 1840, at the wedding of Queen Victoria. During this momentous occasion, white roses were used abundantly throughout the ceremony. Since then, the tradition was formed and passed on through generations. 

Brides carry a bouquet of white roses during their wedding ceremony to indicate their purity, virginity and innocence.

That being said, white roses also state the reputation of women in society – that they are clean and untainted. In Ancient Rome for example, white rose bushes were planted at the graves of deceased young women to indicate their virginity and innocence.

White roses and funerals
White roses are versatile such that they can be used to celebrate happy occasions such as weddings, as stated above, or to offer condolences at a funeral. White roses are a symbol of honour, heavenliness, spiritual love and respect; which is why they are perfect to remember loved ones who have already passed on. White roses are also a symbol of a holy and spiritual union between the departed soul and God in heaven.

White roses as a religious symbol
The white rose holds a great significance to Christians. The white represents the Virgin Mary, who has often been referred to as the Mystical Rose of Heaven. The colour white in Christianity symbolizes light, innocence, purity, glory and joy – traits which embody the virtues of Virgin Mary.

The white rose is also said to have bloomed without any thorns in Paradise before the fall of Adam and Eve. Once again, this example shows that white roses signify innocence and purity.

White roses – a symbol of secrecy and loyalty
The white rose is also known as a symbol for confidentiality and fidelity as stated in the following examples:

Back in World War II, an anti-Nazi political group was set up by a group of students in Munich. Germany. This group, which upheld the ideals of political freedom, was called “The White Rose”.

The name “The White Rose” itself says a lot about the group. It symbolizes secrecy, since it could not have possibly been formed in the open during the Nazi Regime and also loyalty because the students remained true to what they stood for to their death. Most of the members of this group were killed off upon being discovered. Thus, the white rose can also signify purity of youth.

Still on a political example, the white rose holds a great significance during the War of the Roses which took place in England . It was said that the white rose signifies death to those who betray their word. This ties the meaning of the white rose to loyalty and trust as well.

Another example of the white rose being a symbol for secrecy would be the fact that during the medieval era, talking beneath a white rose was understood to indicate the confidential content and nature of the conversation.

Also, in the 16 th century, the Pope declared that a rose be carved in confession booths to symbolize confidentiality, secrecy and privacy.

Significance of white rose buds
White rosebuds, though they are essentially white roses that have yet to blossom, carry a different meaning to full-bloomed white roses.

White rosebuds are in fact a traditional symbol of girlhood and innocence. They represent young girls who have yet to reach adolescence. These rosebuds are an underlying symbol of one being too young for love or to be loved.

Such is the interesting significance and symbolism of white roses. Interesting isn't it, how something simple yet demurely beautiful like the white rose has such a rich and fascinating background?

sitting at a bus stop doin nth but juz watching cars and buses passing by... make me realise we all live in a veri busy world tt, we dun stop n take a look around us and we didnt see alot of things tt needed to be noticed.

trembling in fear

from the moment u said those words, i have been trembling... even during the dinner, every second i feel like crying, but i did my best to hold wadever tears tt was goin to fall... i can see tt mabel find me weird. but i have no choice but to avoid eye contact with anyone. i tried calling u ytd. u did not pick up. i try persuading u to let me have more of ur time. u didnt reply me with any ans even i repeated the qns. is it becos u dun love me anymore, or u love me too much? i dunno anymore. even until now, when i m typing this, my hands r still shaking... the fear of losing u. losing my precious treasure. we also promise tt we will only separate when u find someone u wan to spend ur life with... but now u didnt give me any reasons, juz becos we r not working tgt, we cant see each other everyday, u wan to give up. i dun understand at all.... please explain to me... i m really scared... my heart aches...

not giving up!

i m not giving anyone to anyone! u r mine! i m yours... dun juz throw me away when u havent even try... we r fated to meet n fall in love, but maintaining and staying together is not destiny, is an opportunity, a choice, a decision, an effort. why did u even say those kind of things... when i alr decided on u?! why...? why..........

i love u so much... too much... i cant leave u alone... my dear, is not tt i dun care or cant be bothered... but in order not to let u feel troubled, i hide my jealousy, so i act generous to let u go to her house n visit miko. in order not to let u see how flustered i m and how fast my heart beat when i see u, i have to act strong n avoid u. how i wish for every moment i can hold u close to me, let u feel my heart beat n dun bother abt other ppl's view. everyday i try to find a chance to get close to u but i dun have the courage to... so hoping tt u could feel wad i was feeling and pull me into ur arms and hold me close to u... so much i wan to noe abt u... but i dun wan to force u to tell me everything... i wan u to feel comfortable talking to me... i feel like i m being so greedy wanting so much things from u... if u r reading this post, i hope u can understand my love for u is endless... i promise myself since young, i will sacrifice anything i can to get the things or the person i wan, even if is giving up my life. i love you.

i think i m lonely

another day goin to end n we didnt talk much. u r tired n i dun wan to bother u much. the smile i receive from u this morning, make my day! tried veri hard to not get close to u, becos ur smell is making me dizzy. maybe i m too lonely... tt's why i m like tt...

wishing and hoping

hoping that you could tell me everything. anything that is troubling you or anything that make you happy i hope that you could share everything with me. also wishing that you could stay happy and may all happiness be with you. i gave everything i could and everything i have wishing for your happiness everyday every night. giving everything i could so that i wont regret of not loving you enough or letting you down. i did my best.

allergy acts up... cough n flu came tgt. my throat is dying my ear cannot really make it... i think i really have to save up for the fucking operation... i wonder how much will the check ups, specialist n the operation cost... haiz...

christmas is coming~! wad should i get?! wad should i get?! wad should i wish for?! hmm... maybe something memorable for mabel, and something useful for eric and linna they all... i wonder wad my darling wan for christmas. eliza one oso have to start thinking liao sia... tt troublesome kid. camera for her birthday, super junior for christmas? hmm.. i wanted to go chalet with my darling... dunno will he be happy or not if i invite him... lots of things happen in the company, so juz to relax... hmm...

getting  job is oso another problem...

haiz... things happen in relationship sometimes... maybe i shouldn't be like tt... how should I say this... maybe just some time he can be more... hmm.. he can dun respect me so much...

nvm lah! 顺其自然吧！

你一定是听到了我所祈祷的一切所以你才这样安排。谢谢你让我认识了一个会心疼我的人，也让我多了解我的家人。我真的希望以前发生过的事情不会再次重演。我不想在失去一个这样的人。一个就够了，他已经不会回来，我也不会在去想。但他会一直在我心里，我也知道他一定会很支持我，一定会叫我不要放弃这个爱。请你继续指引我做对的选择。我也希望你能保佑我爱着的这个傻瓜，开开心心，健健康康的。还有我跟我家人的关系我会进我全力再得回她们的信任。我知道没有一件事是完美的，但是我不会认输！要得到平衡是需要时间跟努力的！我会耐心等待，用心付出。=)